Adventures in Defecation

BMX. If this conjures up images of helmeted men driving motorcycles at insane speeds through mud and over hills, I can’t blame you. After all, to most of the world BMX is just that, and the name itself stands for Bike Motor Cross. (There’s an age-old tradition of transforming “cross” into “X”). But we don’t do things like everyone else does at Adventures in Defecation! No siree Bob! Here, BMX stands for one thing and one thing only — Bowel Movement Extreme!

The banner sprawled out over the entrance would read “BMX 2007: Extreme defecation!” Once you stepped inside, you’d know that everything was different, because this kind of poop is not for the faint of heart or the weak of stomach! There’d be guys strapped to a toilet doing bungee jumps. Red Bull would sponsor the speed competition, with world-famous dumpers completing their routines in the low 90’s (seconds, that is). There’d be the accuracy contest with contestants hanging their butts over the back of wooden stands and trying to get their turds into the toilets fifty feet below. Acrobatic dumping competitions, rope-climbing defecation, and of course in-flight pooping, as demonstrated by skilled skateboarders, snowboarders, and skiiers. Even NASA would have a booth, because nothing’s more extreme than turds in space!

The event would be sponsored by Red Bull, Mt. Dew, Sunmaid (extreme prunes!), Dr. Natura, not to mention all the health food, toilet bowl, and TP companies. Maybe even the El Jer guy would show up, running around the grounds and asking people to “push his handle”.

When you think of BMX, do it right — Bowel Movement Extreme!

Sitting is like riding. That’s why people who have desk jobs are called “desk jockeys”, although that metaphor is a bit strained because they don’t sit on desks. Previously, I’ve compared sitting on the lesser white throne to being a toilet jockey. But yesterday I came up with something even better.

We’re turd cowboys! When we sit on the toilet bowl we’re having ourselves one big toilet bowl rodeo. Now the toilet bowl doesn’t move as much as a bronc, but your insides move around a bit. Oh ho! You don’t get all sweaty from the hot sun, but you do sweat and strain all the same.

And while you’re convincing your spinchter to deliver the goods, you can stretch and shout and stuff. Hey, I like to ride the white bowl one-handed. You know, one hand on the crossword puzzle and the other in the air. So the comparison really isn’t that crazy.

The only improvement would be to do it in public. “The First Annual Orlando Toilet Rodeo! Come and see your favorite stars! Swishmaster Z and Freddy the Ever-Steady face off on the biggest, baddest toilets you’ve ever seen! Sponsored by American Standard and El-Jer.”