Adventures in Defecation

Today, it all fell into place. The pink, elementary school floor door color, the floor tile, the manual toilet, the rowdy overpressured pipe sounds — the bathroom was like something out of the ’60’s and it felt like the perfect fallout shelter. Think of it! Thick walls protect the outside world from the sounds and scents of the bathroom. In a nuclear attack, they’d protect you from the initial radiation blast. The spartan, sturdy design provides plenty of shock insulation and an absence of small moving objects. Most bathrooms at work don’t have windows, so nothing would shatter from the pressure wave.

The more I think about it, the more plausible it sounds. Especially for tall buildings, where is the safest place besides the basement or the stairwell? The bathroom! I guess it makes sense for man to design the place (or is that palace) of defecation to endure acts of war. Destruction? We laugh at it. Death? We can deal with it. But don’t you touch my bowl!

One of the lamer jokes I’ve created goes like this:

Q: How do you know a whale is in the area?
A: You find a lot of sea doo.

That got me thinking, though. Why doesn’t anyone ever see or even talk about sea doo? (No, not that Seadoo!) With creatures as large as whales and sharks roaming the oceans (not to mention squid), this could be a real source of environmental pollution, not to mention general nastiness. What if you went deep-sea fishing and hauled up a turd?

Then again, maybe the ocean just breaks down these animal excretions, or maybe they’re heavier than water, so they settle on the ocean floor. That reminds me of the deep-sea explorers. Can you imagine? You’ve spent years of research and lots of the government’s money to investigate a place like the Marianas trench. You send your very expensive robot explorer down there and all your fellows crowd around the screen. What do you find? Nothing but a bunch of whale turds! Oh, the ignominy! You’d probably have to get a lawmaker to write the findings that time. They waste time and money and turn out poopy laws, so at least they’d be skilled at it.