Adventures in Defecation

Every once in a while you notice something about your butt. Sometimes it’s “how did that pimple get there?” or “boy I need to work out some more”. Recently I noticed that I had a case of Bad-smelling Butt, or BSB for all you acronym aficionados. This too is one of the eternal mysteries of the universe. Why is it that you can eat Taco Bell all day long and your butt smells fine? But the instant that you start eating healthy, your butt starts to stink. What’s worse is that if you notice this (even if it’s when you’re in the shower or something) then you start to freak out and wonder if other people can smell your butt too. What if that’s the reason why you’re snubbed at work or no-one will talk to you in the bathroom? What if that’s the reason why the neighbors won’t talk to you anymore? Maybe even those kids at the bus stop know and that’s why they point at your car every day. Maybe I’m taking this too far but it seems just backwards that your body should protest when you’re eating right. I guess the butt is just living up to its name.

I saw the most hilarious thing while I was in the bathroom the other day. I was taking a dump and in walked this guy. I could swear he was strutting. Maybe he was even carrying a Blackberry or an iPhone holstered in his pocket. I saw him swagger over to a urinal, unzip, and then proceed to pee away with one arm akimbo. His other arm dangled at his side. He was so masculine, so uber-confident in his ability to pee without aiming, that I came up with a name for him — the one-armed bandit. Why the name? Well if he had only one arm, he’d pee exactly the same way. Because he hadn’t needed to aim, neither did he need to wash. He left the bathroom as simply as he entered. I sat on the toilet bowl, amazed and bewildered by what I had just seen. Maybe someday I too will become a one-armed bandit. I think I’ll need to do some practicing at home first, in case I miss.