Adventures in Defecation

Just when you think the world couldn’t get any weirder, now we have celebrities advising us how much toilet paper we should use. I wish I was making this up! Sheryl Crow, of all people, has devised the rules for TP usage. Not that I have anything against her, but this suggestion makes about as much sense as her songs do.

Get this! She suggests “only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required.” What does this woman do, poop out rabbit pellets? Normal people do not, I repeat, DO NOT have poop so small and dainty that one square will clean their cracks! What is she smoking?

Worse, she is wants this to be a law. Can you imagine how this would be enforced? Are they going to watch us all on camera to see how many squares we use? Will we get a bill at the end of the month from the toilet cams like the way the traffic cameras view your license plates? Imagine a SWAT team breaking into your stall if you’ve used four squares instead of your alloted three.

Knock, knock.
Mr. Jones: “Uhm, this stall is occupied.”
Head SWAT goon: “Mr. Jones?”
Mr. Jones: “Yes?”
Head SWAT goon: “Are you using or have you recently used more than three squares of toilet paper?”
Mr. Jones: “No! You’ll never catch me, copper!”
Head SWAT goon: “Charlie, get the window. We’re coming in!”
[They break the bathroom stall door down, finding only sneakers and an unflushed bowl. Head SWAT goon curses and slams his fist against the stall door.]
Head SWAT goon: “We lost another one!”

I say we find Sheryl Crow’s house and roll it! Hahahah!

I think I first heard of the band Anal Blast in the mosher’s delight magazine, The Pit. I just about died laughing when I read their name. I thought that I had found kindred spirits who sung about the other F-word. I was hoping for song after song about stinky methane expulsions. But no, of course, the band has to take themselves seriously, look tough, and sing songs about uhm…nasty stuff. Wow, guys, like that hasn’t been done a zillion times already. (Hello Pungent Stench, Ordo Rosarius Equilibrius, et cetera, ad total nauseum!) On the bright side that still leaves room for the band I want to make someday — Hello Smello. You can’t have the name because I have songs ready, and one of them is the all time doom-comedy classic, “Poop From the Sky”.