Adventures in Defecation

Sometimes too much spicy food is too much of a good thing. After a while of not eating anything remotely hot, I had pizza with red peppers and then a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy’s. Everything was fine until 2 AM, at which time I woke up with an upset stomach that no amount of water, crackers, or Tums could make go away. Finally, I got tired again and then crashed. I was ok again until noon of that day. That was when the hot stuff decided to leave my body and punish me for eating it.

I took one dump, then another, and then another. The heat made my buttlips numb, but it was that kind of burning numb that you get on your upstairs lips when you’ve eaten something too spicy. For thirty minutes, I couldn’t sit down without it hurting. I was sweating and afraid that I would have to take another dump at any moment.

Words of wisdom? If you haven’t eaten spicy in a while, go slowly and build up your tolerance. If you don’t, your body will strike back!

Most human beings regard defecation as the body expelling waste. We take good things like food and soda and turn them into energy, money (through labor), and poop. The vending machine is opposite in many respects. For it accepts our output and it expels snacks and drinks!

Although money is a far cry from plop itself, it is still dirty, and we’re giving up spare change for the secret delight of a Snickers bar or popcorn or something else that will send us scurrying to the lesser white throne sooner or later. So it’s like payola, but different — it’s pay for plop!

I wonder if vending machines are female by design. They want money and they take more money from us than what they give out is actually worth. Also, all they have to do to get attention is just stand there. What does that say about how females interact with vending machines? Thoughts for the black couch set.