Adventures in Defecation

What is an active tail silencer? At first blush, you might think it was a sedative for your posterior. Maybe some kind of local anesthetic? Maybe some kind of anti-diarrheal medicine? “Wait,” you might be thinking. “Maybe it’s just something that silences the effects of an active tail! So it’s a plug that you put in your butt that eliminates the sounds of your uhm…exhaust?” If you’ve made it this far, you’re right. Only it’s not a product for humans. It’s a product for cars.

But all that got me thinking. Why can’t there be an active tail silencer for human beings? Aside from the smell, the biggest problem with our own exhaust is the sound — it’s like a built-in air siren: when you hear it, run for clean air. I mean, the stink will be there, no matter what. So why not just plug in an ATS and stop offending your neighbors with your squeally anus?

One of the few problems where I work is the distance from my desk to the bathroom. In many places, being far away from the bathroom is good, not only to keep away from the stink, but to avoid the traffic that bathrooms generated. However, when it’s on the other end of the building, that is a very bad thing. Why? I get the signal to take a dump: “Gentleman, start your evacuation!” and I have to walk a long while to get to the dumping ground. Now walking itself helps you take a dump better because it loosens things up and works out the thigh and rump muscles. So I already need to go and then I really need to go by the time I’m half way there. It may not be a quarter mile, but it sure feels like it.

I’m trying to walk fast, but not too fast, hoping that I won’t meet anyone I’ll have to talk to, and that the stall isn’t occupied. I’m struggling to keep my sphinchter closed, hoping that nothing leaks out. Don’t laugh! It’s happened before — if you don’t force your buttlips together, your anus sometimes decides that enough is enough and it shifts into second gear, if you know what I mean. So have I set new records for the quarter mile on foot? Not yet, but the year is still young.