Adventures in Defecation

Add another one to the list of greatest books never written — The History of Poo. The book would begin with a summary of diet and a short history of human beings. Then it would feature turds from every age with a description of diet beneath. This way you could compare the poo of a Chinese peasant in the Ming dynasty to the turds of the gentry in Victorian England. What fun! It would be one of those sepia ink kind of books, with the turds as line art, complete with callouts showing the parts of each. So you could see the partially-digested peas and maybe a chicken bone that had passed through the digestive tract of an early American colonist, for instance.

Ode De Toilette

O bathroom, how I love thee
I visit thee often when I must pee,
Or when I must excrete
And my turds the waters wish to greet!

Others disdain the place of strange smells
Of porcelain fixtures and writing on walls
The goopy hand soaps that smell like coconut
And pools of standing water ringing sinks.

But not I, I relish the cold bowl
The rumbling of water pressure from deep below
The sounds of flatulence from the next stall over
And the sweet relief of expelling fecal matter!

With a downward handle press, the glorious flush,
I watch my work vanish into the drain.
I will dress and clean and long for the day
That I will return to the bathroom again.