Adventures in Defecation

Have you ever thought that it would be cool to sleep naked? It’s something that’s probably been on the mind of most of us ever since we were kids. It’s oh-so-rebellious to refuse to put on the PJs and just go to bed au naturale. However, you may not want to live out that youthful fantasy, and here’s why. Sleeping without clothes puts your butt in direct contact with your sheets. That leads to two problems: skid marks and dingleberries. That’s right! You might wake up to find a horrendous brown stain where you had been sleeping. Or worse, you could be rearranging your covers and find dingleberries rolling around in your bed! They make PJs for a reason. And if you’re too cheap to buy PJs, at least wear some undies. After all, crackers in bed is one thing, but dingleberries are something else entirely.

I realized something a few weeks ago when I was communicating with the porcelain god during my “stand and deliver” session. If I aimed just the right way, I could feel the urine surging through my body right before it left. Talk about cool! Maybe I’m the only guy on the planet that didn’t know this, but it led to feelings of immense primal power. Here I was, peeing the way that cavemen peed. Here I was, peeing the way that maybe George Washington peed. I was filling the bowl with yellow stuff and knew that it was my pee (because I could feel it moving around). There was no doubt. I was the man.