Adventures in Defecation

Twice now I have been to the bathroom, my bowels ready to burst, and have discovered a strange stain on the toilet seat. These were not simply water stains, or minor discolorations, but rather attention-riveting disgusting things. The first one looked like someone’s butt was leaking battery acid. I’m serious. The stain was the color of caked on rust. Today’s stain was this icky grainy whitish substance. Both times I had to scrub the stain off the lid before laying down my paper toilet seat.

This situation deserves a little analysis (that’s right — anal-lysis). First of all, what in the world are these people eating that makes their butts act this way? Second of all, how do you make a stain on the seat unless you’re planting your naked hairy buttcheeks on the bare seat? Third of all, how many other people sat on the seat? The stuff was caked on, man. Fourth, what is wrong with these people that they just left the nasty stain there? Did they look at it, feel proud, think that it was cute, or what? Why would you leave that around for someone else to clean up? You’re literally asking someone else to clean up your poop stains! What the heck? I’m not your mom, your maid, your girlfriend, or your wife, so stop making me clean your poop!

It’s more than just rude. It’s sick. Someone seriously needs to get spanked over this.

I saw the most hilarious thing while I was in the bathroom the other day. I was taking a dump and in walked this guy. I could swear he was strutting. Maybe he was even carrying a Blackberry or an iPhone holstered in his pocket. I saw him swagger over to a urinal, unzip, and then proceed to pee away with one arm akimbo. His other arm dangled at his side. He was so masculine, so uber-confident in his ability to pee without aiming, that I came up with a name for him — the one-armed bandit. Why the name? Well if he had only one arm, he’d pee exactly the same way. Because he hadn’t needed to aim, neither did he need to wash. He left the bathroom as simply as he entered. I sat on the toilet bowl, amazed and bewildered by what I had just seen. Maybe someday I too will become a one-armed bandit. I think I’ll need to do some practicing at home first, in case I miss.