Adventures in Defecation

Just when you think the world couldn’t get any weirder, now we have celebrities advising us how much toilet paper we should use. I wish I was making this up! Sheryl Crow, of all people, has devised the rules for TP usage. Not that I have anything against her, but this suggestion makes about as much sense as her songs do.

Get this! She suggests “only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required.” What does this woman do, poop out rabbit pellets? Normal people do not, I repeat, DO NOT have poop so small and dainty that one square will clean their cracks! What is she smoking?

Worse, she is wants this to be a law. Can you imagine how this would be enforced? Are they going to watch us all on camera to see how many squares we use? Will we get a bill at the end of the month from the toilet cams like the way the traffic cameras view your license plates? Imagine a SWAT team breaking into your stall if you’ve used four squares instead of your alloted three.

Knock, knock.
Mr. Jones: “Uhm, this stall is occupied.”
Head SWAT goon: “Mr. Jones?”
Mr. Jones: “Yes?”
Head SWAT goon: “Are you using or have you recently used more than three squares of toilet paper?”
Mr. Jones: “No! You’ll never catch me, copper!”
Head SWAT goon: “Charlie, get the window. We’re coming in!”
[They break the bathroom stall door down, finding only sneakers and an unflushed bowl. Head SWAT goon curses and slams his fist against the stall door.]
Head SWAT goon: “We lost another one!”

I say we find Sheryl Crow’s house and roll it! Hahahah!

I was taking a dump the other day when a cellphone went off in the stall next to mine. The guy paused his pooing, picked up the phone and proceeded to have a conversation. Are people that connected that they’ll even answer a phone in the bathroom? Yes. I wonder if he had to stop mid-dump to do it? Was the turd hanging half-in, half-out of his anus?

My gosh! Why would anyone stop dumping for someone else, much less interrupt their poop session to talk on the phone? It reminds me of this. How many times a day does something like the following happen?

RING.
Hi Sam, this is Phil.
Unnh.
No, I’m not busy; I’m just taking a dump.
Hmmrrghh.
What’s new with you? Really, that’s wild. Oh hold on, I’ve got a big one coming.
Yrrgghhhhhhhhhh. Ahh.
What’s that you say? I was in the zone. No, I’m done now, but you might get some background noise as I’m wiping.