Adventures in Defecation

According to this site, a woman was kicked off a plane for striking matches to mask her smell of her gas. I couldn’t believe it. I mean, how are you that flatulent? And if you were, how does lighting matches help? Even if it did, would you do that on an airplane? Holy cow. They ended up searching the plane twice and calling in the bomb-sniffing dogs! Needless to say, the woman was banned from flying for a long time. Even her excuse “I had a medical condition” didn’t save her. You’ve got to check out the comments at that site, too. Hyperflatulence? Man, that’s a phrase to remember!

I was in the bathroom the other day and I ran into the Waistband Snapper. This man is a hefty guy who wears those pants with elastic waistbands. In other words, he’s weighty. I’m sitting on the toilet doing my thing and he’s merrily peeing away. When he’s done, he snaps the waistband of his pants (or maybe his underwear) as if to signal that he’s conquered this stall, and now it’s time to move on to greater challenges.

Think just for a minute. If you were wide like that, would you announce it to the people in the bathroom? Are you that proud of your weight? Hey, even if you were, would you celebrate it loudly by snapping your underwear or your pants? Now everyone else knows how fat you are and that you have a strange addiction to snapping your elastic waistband! That’s way more than I needed to know about you, fella!

Just when I think I’ve encountered the strangest example of bathroom ettiquette, along comes something even more bizarre.