Adventures in Defecation

Why do people put magazines in the paper seat cover dispensers? Is this some modern rite that I’ve just missed out on? Is it an artistic statement? The magazines are usually really boring, so maybe this is just an avant-garde way of saying, “This magazine really sucks.” I know it’s not the bathroom magazine faeries because this is obviously an angry, male action.

Are people just rude and obnoxious? I mean, here I am trying to get a paper seat cover to smack down on the toilet so I can get some relief, and somebody has jammed a magazine into the dispenser. Now I have to move the magazine, dig into the dispenser and hope that I can get a seat cover out that’s not torn or ripped. And I have to do this quickly, because my bowels are demanding relief.

It’s strange, because you never see anyone doing it. You just get in a stall and find that someone has done it, again. You never even see someone carrying a magazine into the bathroom, either. So where do these magazines come from? Is it the cleaning crew up to their sick jokes again? Maybe it’s an opening salvo against the cleaning crew? I don’t know. I just want to take a dump!

I was just thinking of different ways to express that you need to use the bathroom (either #1 or #2), and I came up with a few new ways.

1. “The brown snakes are knocking at the back door again.”
2. “Excuse me, I have to change the color of the water.”
3. “I gotta do the minute-thirty workout.”
4. “I’m giving back to mother nature!”