Adventures in Defecation

Ode De Toilette

O bathroom, how I love thee
I visit thee often when I must pee,
Or when I must excrete
And my turds the waters wish to greet!

Others disdain the place of strange smells
Of porcelain fixtures and writing on walls
The goopy hand soaps that smell like coconut
And pools of standing water ringing sinks.

But not I, I relish the cold bowl
The rumbling of water pressure from deep below
The sounds of flatulence from the next stall over
And the sweet relief of expelling fecal matter!

With a downward handle press, the glorious flush,
I watch my work vanish into the drain.
I will dress and clean and long for the day
That I will return to the bathroom again.

One way to avoid hemmorhoids is to avoid straining your sphincter. I’m serious about this. If you’ve got a full pack of poop, don’t force it out as fast as you can. Doing that strains the sphincter ring, causing it to get annoyed. The hemmorhoids are muscles right close to that sphincter ring, so if it gets strained, they do too. This is exactly what you want to avoid! Just sit back on the throne and let your anus push the poop out at its own rate. It’ll be easier and more enjoyable for you, both while you dumping and later in the day when you don’t have that horrid butt itch that feels like someone’s shoving a jackhammer between your cheeks.

I don’t know how people who sit on the loo and dump as if someone was holding a gun to their head avoid hemmorhoids. They’re probably caught in the cycle of “hey it hurts, so I’m going to reduce my pain by doing it as quickly as possible.” People, people, people! Doing that got you where you are today. The only way out is to do something differently. So think different. Fix your pooping!