Adventures in Defecation

I was thinking of the types of people who take a dump in public restrooms. I’ve written enough one these separately that it seemed a good time to summarize their behavior in one central location. What follows are the most common types of visitors (and no, the mysterious bathroom Yeti and the BMF don’t count):

1. Short Order Sitters. These people think that taking a dump is the worst thing in the world and so do it quickly, with much violence. They often end up on reality ER shows with bizarre bowel problems.
2. Patient Zeroes. People who don’t wipe, don’t flush, and don’t wash their hands.
3. All-day Dumpers. People who spend more time in the bathroom than at their desks. They don’t appear to be doing anything. They’re not reading, not straining, not writing on the walls.
4. The Ecstatic Excreters. These people enjoy dumping way too much for dumping in a public restroom. They pant. They ooh. They ahh. They catch their breaths.
5. The Furious Wipers. These people wipe their butts so vigorously that you can hear the paper going back and forth in their cracks.
6. The Avoiders. They bring in a newspaper, a PDA, a magazine, their favorite book, or a cellphone like they were doing everything but taking a dump!

Let’s admit it. When you go to the bathroom (and it’s a sit-down visit), you notice the bathroom walls. Usually you see fluid stains and perhaps writing of various varieties, but occasionally you’ll see other things as well. I was in the bathroom recently and I saw some mighty weird things. First off were small, dark flecks. Was someone picking scabs? Could it be dried blood? Next up was a dried booger. The dude couldn’t use the tp less than five inches away. No, he had to first pick it, then stick it. And it wasn’t even a really big booger, either! If you’re going to mine some nose gold, you should at least bring back a nugget worth bragging about. But anyways, I saw one more thing, and this one was a little disturbing: scratches. Not one or two, mind you, but a whole bunch of them like someone was trying to escape from the stall and had forgotten how to open the door. I was thinking a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde experiment gone terribly wrong. Bathrooms aren’t as boring as you might think — after all, the stall knows all!